I got braces when I was thirteen, and when I got them off, I didn’t wear my retainer they way I should have. You know, in my mouth. So over the years, my teeth have crowded. One lower tooth moved so far forward that I began to worry that it might stick out of my closed lips like a bulldog’s. That’s why this winter I decided to  have my teeth straightened for the second time, not for vanity, really, but to stem the raucous behavior of wayward teeth.

Don’t even think about calling me “metalmouth,” though. You see, I wear Invisalign braces. Well, you probably don’t see; that’s the whole point of them. Invisaligns are miracles. Instead of those cheek-stabbing metal wires, I wear two perfectly fitted plastic trays that fit over my teeth. Every two weeks I get a new pair, each pre-designed by a computer in California using impressions of my mouth. Slowly they are moving my teeth so that, after 18 sets, they will again be straight. I’m at the halfway point and am hoping my dentist’s patch of a broken tooth will hold until my Invisalign treatment is finished. A new crown would mess up the fit.  Ironically, my orthodonist’s name is Dr. Crowder.  Hopefully he doesn’t live up to his name.

Once I am done, I’ll probably become a high-priced mouth model. For toothpaste or gum or maybe cold sores. I’ll have to get a chip fixed first. And use some of those whitening strips. And I might have to get rid of that silver skull and crossbones tongue stud I’ve been sporting.

Soon, I’ll be aligned. My teeth, anyway. I suppose there are lots of other things that could use Invisaligns. Goals, perhaps. Priorities. Relationships.  There are invisible aligners for all of these, and they come under several brands: Common Sense, Spirituality, Love, and Humility, just to name a few. They are free but can run in short supply just when people need them.

For other things that get out of line, there are no magic straighteners. Government officials. Talk radio personalities. Other people’s unruly children.

For teeth, though, all you have to do is pay through your nose, and it will be done. It’s a kind of self-improvement that doesn’t require a lot of soul-searching or willpower. You can be the biggest loser in the world and still have a winning smile.

But only if you wear your retainer.