A new look for FedEx

This is just one of the big and bold walls you’ll see at the CONSOL Energy Center in Pittsburgh, home of the Penguins. I worked with designer Spencer King at Oden on these. This is the look of things to come for FedEx.


Unsettling

Just back from Cape Cod, I thought I might share what I found to be an interesting sign in the little hamlet of Sandwich. In fact, these signs are scattered throughout Massachusetts wherever the speed limits are reduced to 30 and even 25 miles per hour.

Interesting because, if I were writing the sign, I would use DENSELY POPULATED AREA or something similar. THICKLY SETTLED sounds like residue in the bottom of a bucket. Or it sounds like maybe the whole town suffers from a low IQ. Or perhaps a high Body Mass Index number. It makes me want to exercise.

Fact is, history and geography books often describe a locale as “thickly settled,” rather than highly populated or densely populated, but on a sign in a small town, it just seems strange, as if the people there are stepping all over each other, or lying head to toe like elephant seals on the beach, sweating but just too lazy to get up and find a breeze. A sort of peanut butter of humanity spread on a cracker of earth.

Nothing could be farther from the truth. The density of Sandwich is really very low–houses and shops built in the 1600s and 1700s tucked back in the trees or on hilltops. It is quaint and archaic, just like the phrase on the sign.  Sandwich was incorporated in 1639.  That’s about as settled as a place can get on this side of the Atlantic, thick or not.


Attractive marketing? The ubiquitous refrigerator magnet

What’s the attraction of  refrigerator magnets? They clutter. They allow you to attach more clutter. They fall off and break, which makes your clutter just that much more junky looking. Yet, we have quite a few at my house, mostly souvenirs from family trips, including a beheaded soldier from Williamsburg.  We never keep the ones from the pest control people, real estate agents, or other commercial enterprises. Usually they are ugly, what with their phone numbers and lousy slogans and faces, and who needs ugly clutter?

Other people I know have the whole alphabet, plastic letters that let you spell words, even bad ones–which is a fun thing to do when you are at their house and you’ve gone into the kitchen for that third glass of Chardonnay. Still other people have magnetic poetry, words you can arrange and rearrange to create all kinds of poems, especially bad ones. And then there are the magnets that act like frames for photos or kiddy art.  We had one that said “My Kid Did This.” That, of course, invites a parent to post a cute art project or good report card.  Or, it can become a kind of Frame of Shame.  A bad report card. A photo of a messy room. A suspension notice from school.  It depends, I suppose, on what kind of parent you are.  And what kind of kid you’ve got. I think we just took down that magnet altogether.

I have the chance to write everything from annual reports to internet ads.  Recently, believe it or not, I wrote a refrigerator magnet. Which got me to thinking about the whole genre. I found out that the average number of views a single household refrigerator magnet garners in a year is around 14,600.  That’s pretty good. Create an especially nice one and there are plenty of people who will add it to their collections.  People like Louise J. Greenfarb (doesn’t that just sound like the name of a magnet collector?). She has more than 40,000, and her cars (and everything else made of metal, I’m sure) are covered up with them. You can read about her collection here.

Interestingly (or not) there’s no official name for a magnet collector in the way there is for a coin collector (numismatist) or a stamp collector (philatelist)  or even a collector of teddy bears (arctophillist).  Magnut, maybe.

Although I may sometimes question the wisdom of commercial magnets, the one I worked on is an exception. It was commissioned by Homewood Suites to promote their partnership with the Books for Kids Foundation. Unlike other companies that might turn to the refrigerator magnet for marketing or public relations, Homewood actually has the refrigerators to put them on, which makes the whole strategy a stroke of genius. Think about it.  Every suite has a fridge, the perfect place to exhibit a magnetic message and reach a captive audience.  At the same time magnets just make the kitchen that much more like home, which is the whole idea behind Homewood Suites, anyway.


"Get food and gas ahead" and other unfortunate phrases

We’ve all laughed at highway signage advertising food and gas. No truer words were ever spoken. However, when it comes to your own marketing materials, your advertising, and your PR, you can’t afford to miscommunicate even a little bit.

Even seemingly minor misuse of punctuation can have dramatic, unintended consequences. Leave out punctuation and you might get:

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one.

With a fire poker? Of course, add the needed hyphens to make a hole-in-one, and we know it is about golf, not murder.

Add punctuation where it doesn’t belong and you get a stinky result, as in this example of a sign on a store in Boston (submitted by copy editor Amy Scott):

“Fresh” Fish

Perhaps the storeowner only meant to highlight the word “fresh” in which case underlining would have been preferable. Now, he’s saying it’s not really fresh; we just call it that.

Sometimes just the proximity of sentences can infer something negative or unintentional. I saw this recently in an ad for a used boat:

Engine rebuilt. Extra parts.

Whoa! Could these be the parts you forgot to put in when you rebuilt the motor?

Even “professionals,” especially news headline writers, can mess up:

Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over.

I’m not sure there were any pictures. Or how about:

Roger Clemens arrives for hearing on steriods.

As a newspaper reader we may find this fun and even possibly twice the truth we usually get. However if this were written by the PR guy for Roger Clemens, he’d be looking for a new job. Something to think about before you decide to be your own advertising or marketing writer.

Finally, most poor writing is the result of thoughtlessness.

12 remain dead

You know you’ve heard something like this: “12 remain dead today as rescuers continue to work into the night.” Of course, what they meant to say was that the death count remains at 12. It’s a matter of being too hasty and not precise enough. Or how about this want ad selling maid services:

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Like funny headlines and language gaffs? Check out the following links (which supplied me with some of my examples):

* www.InnocentEnglish.com

* http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/comedy/newsquiz.shtml

* www.engrish.com

Got some unfortunate phrases of your own? click on “comment” below and contribute!


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